Fandom: Britannia High
Word Count: 4670
Summary: Five times Jez inadvertently finds himself in the girls’ toilets with BB.
Author’s Notes: Spoilers up to and including 1x07 Don’t Stand So Close To Me. Because the bit with Jez & BB hiding in a toilet cubicle filled me with far too much happy glee. *sniggers* With a little bit of Lauren ‘cause I’ve decided to like her, and I haven’t written for a fandom where I could conceivably get the boys into make-up before so… *ahem* It got somewhat cracky.
Jez desperately tries not to shout: did you not see the strange little plastic woman on the door? You don’t have a pointy skirt and weird sticky-out arms and little-girl pigtails! Some kind of… toilet Gods are going to know we’re not meant to be in here! And they will strike us down!
In actual fact, no Toilet-Duck-wielding deities appear to smite them, which is more of a relief than Jez is ever going to really feel comfortable admitting. And when he looks around he realises that the girls’ loos are actually very similar to the guys’ ones; same white tiles, same sinks, same basic layout though of course there’s the gaping absence of urinals. Even though Jez has never found girls’ bathrooms interesting in the way that straight men seem to, he finds himself staring around with way more fascination than is really appropriate for the occasion.
BB, of course, is more focused on stealing from their friend, which is a worse crime than going into the wrong toilets, as is reading their friend’s diary, so Jez supposes he should pay attention to that and stop trying to work out what kind of shower gel the girl in here earlier was using and where he can get some because it smells gorgeous. Sure, gently mocking Lola on their radio show is practically a regular occurrence, but this is a severe invasion of privacy and it makes something churn awkwardly in his stomach.
Unfortunately, BB pays no attention to Jez’s anxious hissing, rifling through Lola’s bag as though this is perfectly normal and Jez reflects that he’ll always let BB get away with this kind of thing because, for one thing, Julius died not all that long ago, and… well, there’s the other thing that Jez doesn’t think about because BB is his best friend and he was never that much of a masochist.
A minute later, and Jez decides he might have been over-hasty in dismissing the existence of Evil Toilet Gods because Lola comes in entirely unexpectedly, forcing him and BB to hide in a cubicle. It’s one of the most undignified things he’s done in a while and it’s also unbearably stupid, and he can’t think of a single way to make this into a quirky and hilarious anecdote he can tell on their radio show. This is probably what being smited feels like, and yes, smited is not really a word but Lola is getting naked in here and BB is far too interested and also they’re holding a diary which they hoped would contain things like a debate over whether glitter or sequins are more important, and whether lattes count as a food group or not, and it actually contains somewhat explosive details that could get Stefan put in prison, so Jez reckons that smited covers the situation pretty well.
With nothing better to do they sit down, precariously sharing the toilet lid, and oh. It turns out that Lola does occasionally debate the merits of different brands of eyeliner pencil, and liberally misuses words in a way that has Jez biting his lip to stave off laughter, but she spends a lot more time describing an increasingly lurid affair with Stefan. Jez can’t work out if he should be going to confront Lola and asking what she thinks she’s doing, or if he should call up some kind of psychiatrist because the girl is coming up with some pretty worringly detailed deluded fantasies.
BB is practically crushing him into the stall wall because, weirdly enough, they don’t make girls’ toilet cubicles with enough room for two teenage boys. They’re all but sitting on top of each other, limbs entwined in a confusing fashion, though Jez puts a hasty stop to it when BB tries to lean his head on Jez’s shoulder because he really only has so much self-control and he’d kind of like BB to still be talking to him tomorrow. Besides, squished together while hiding in the girls’ loos is not really the place for the I kind of have a crush on you, mate, ‘k? conversation.
Not that it will ever be time for that conversation; Jez is kind of hoping that if he ignores it long enough it’ll just go away.
It’s way too hot in here, the two of them pressed awkwardly together, though Jez is apparently the only one aware of this; BB is sitting there happily reading as though this is a perfectly normal occurrence and Jez sort of wants to hit him for that. But his friend elbows him, pointing at a definitely inappropriate paragraph involving Lola and Stefan and an afternoon alone in the dance studio, all there in Lola’s large, flowing neon pink writing, and Jez decides to just concentrate on the bigger picture.
At least, he will as soon as he figures out just what the bigger picture actually is.
“You are very drunk,” he says.
Somewhere around the region of his knees, BB makes a groaning and slightly pathetic noise. On the few rare occasions that Jez has accidentally allowed himself to imagine BB on the floor in front of him, it was more entertaining than this. However, since he doesn’t have a magic diary to write his fantasies in and then watch them come true (before BB runs off to… Manchester, which is admittedly a lot less exciting than Australia), he just gets BB on the point of collapse making miserable drunk sounds and probably in a minute he’s going to be in danger of having his shoes vomited on, and oh, what a lovely fun evening this is turning out to be.
After a moment of considering his options, Jez crouches down in front of his friend. BB acts like he’s fine all the time about what happened with Julius, which is why it’s all the worse when he finally lets his barriers down. Jez couldn’t find a tactful way to say are you sure you should be drinking, mate, given how much grief and guilt and anger you’re attempting to keep bottled up, and so they’ve got here. Sitting on the sticky-with-spilled-beer floor of a club they probably shouldn’t be in anyway, with music that isn’t all that great thudding through their heads.
“Very, very drunk,” Jez adds.
BB groans, for once uncoordinated and motionless, and Jez decides that at least next time he’ll have tonight to bring up as a little cautionary tale. And hell, maybe he’ll get a song out of this one.
“We’re going to have to get you up, ok?”
BB nods. “Ok.”
It’s awkward and shamefully clumsy given that they’re both meant to be young men in the prime of their physical fitness, but after a couple of false starts Jez has BB back on his feet. Lauren and Lola went home ages ago, and even Danny and Claudine have stumbled off happily to find a night bus by now, leaving Jez with the unenviable task of getting BB home in one piece. He really misses his unlimited bank account; he’d really love to just pour BB into a cab right now and get them both safely back to BB’s flat. But what with the fact he’s practically living on Pot Noodles right now and is having a little difficulty keeping up with the tuition fees – though Nugent is being surprisingly understanding – he doesn’t have the cash to burn.
“Are you going to be sick?” he asks, yelling the words as clearly as he can into BB’s ear over the obnoxiously loud music.
BB thinks about this, swaying a little on his feet but staying mercifully upright. “Maybe,” he replies.
Jez wants to sleep. They have a dance class first thing in the morning, with the new teacher who isn’t a piece of eyecandy like Stefan was – not that anyone mentions Stefan at all, ever – and he just wants to curl up on BB’s uncomfortable, strangely lumpy sofa and make this all go away. But he can’t, so he grits his teeth and practically holds BB up and promises himself that he’ll make snide, slightly bitchy comments about this all day tomorrow to make up for it.
“We have to get home,” Jez says, attempting not to sound whiny because it won’t help.
BB nods; evidently a mistake because he makes a startled noise and starts heading through the throngs of people, evidently looking for the toilets. Jez follows, apologising to everyone he bumps into, smiling as charmingly as he can manage. He catches up with BB just in time to see the other boy push through… the wrong door. Oh hell. Jez steels himself and follows. Mercifully, BB has managed to find a toilet to throw up into, while a couple of giggling girls in purple glittery dresses make noises of disgust.
“Sorry about my friend,” Jez tells them, waving a helpless hand in BB’s direction and trying to encompass the futility of the situation. “He’s very drunk.”
For the first time it occurs to him that he’s not exactly sober either, and the next time Claudine suggests a spontaneous celebration of nothing at all he is totally going to turn her down and spend the evening on the sofa with Armistead Maupin or something.
“We don’t mind,” one of the girls tells him, twining a lock of curly hair around her finger, still giggling in a way that kind of grates.
“I’m not drunk enough to be straight,” Jez murmurs, and it comes out kind of tactless but he has enough on his mind. The girl scowls at him and clicks off in her stilettos, her friend following, leaving Jez and BB alone in the badly-lit bathroom. BB stops retching after a while, manages to flush the loo, and staggers out to splash some water on his face.
“I’m not even going to ask why you seem to have an affinity with girls’ toilets,” Jez says, slinging an arm around BB’s shoulders and carefully but firmly leading him out, “Because I’m not sure I want to know the answer.” BB looks blearily at him. “What, the tampon machine and girls reapplying mascara didn’t tip you off?”
BB rests his head against Jez’s shoulder. “Man, shut up.”
They’re going out for sushi one Friday night, just for the hell of it. Lola still kind of needs cheering up, and so does Lauren, who is still strugging to cope with Danny’s unceremonious dumping; it’s all got slightly High School Musical 2 but Jez has enough sense not to point this out. The rest of them just feel they need a reward for making it through another week of school; the work is piling on and without Stefan their dance classes have become much less fun and much more boot camp.
Before they can go anywhere, though, Jez and BB have to finish recording Monday lunchtime’s show. Lauren is still helping them out, and even if to begin with it was an entirely transparent attempt to hang out with them so she wouldn’t be alone, she’s actually proven herself to be useful and a lot of fun; and when they’re running out of ideas Lauren can always be relied upon to come up with something entertaining to fill in the spaces. Although they’ve never agreed anything out loud, BB and Jez have decided that, for the foreseeable future at least, Lola is off-limits.
“I’m going to get ready,” Lauren tells them during their penultimate song. “Meet you by downstairs, yeah?”
As a result, they spend their last segment of chat – or should it be inane rambling – discussing why it is girls feel the need to spend billions of hours getting ready for things when all they really need is some lipgloss and maybe a change of shoes; they’re kind of anticipating lots of irritated texts – most of which will probably be from Lola – but well, being in any kind of media basically sets you up for criticism. Or something.
Lauren isn’t waiting for them when they finally make it out of the recording studio; the hallway is empty. After a moment of staring at each other, Jez knocks on the girls’ bathroom door.
“Lauren? Babes, are you in there?”
He doesn’t get a reply, but BB pushes past him and makes to open the door. Jez stares at him.
“What are you doing?”
BB ignores him, going inside. Jez wonders why the hell the other boy constantly feels the need to make all toilets unisex, and gazes helplessly at the little plastic girl on the door; she isn’t exactly holding a flaming loo brush or anything but he still feels he shouldn’t go in. However, since BB hasn’t come back out again, he doesn’t have much choice; he hopes like hell the mean smiting toilet Gods will just leave him alone because he’s not really in the mood to end up crushed in a stall with BB. He’s been there, he’s done that, he’s resisted the declarations of love the event threatened to bring to his mouth, he hasn’t written a song about it, and he can add it to his list of Utterly Unnecessary Life Experiences. Really, he’s had all the being-in-small-enclosed-spaces-with-BB he’s ever going to want.
Lauren and BB are sitting on the floor opposite the sinks, leant back against the white tiles. BB has his arm wrapped around Lauren, and Jez immediately forgets all about the potential eternal damnation for going into one of the only places he really shouldn’t be because Lauren is crying. He quickly goes and sits down on Lauren’s other side, and she leans her head against his shoulder.
“What’s the matter?” Jez asks quietly, as Lauren makes an attempt to get control of her sobs.
“It’s stupid,” she sighs.
“Not an answer, love,” BB replies.
Lauren sniffles a bit but seems to be recovering. “It’s just… I’ve got to go out with everyone and Danny and Claudine will be there and I do want them to be happy, just… not with each other. And then I hate myself for thinking that, and I’ve got to be cheerful because I don’t want to bring anyone down, and… it’s just shit. Really shit.”
Jez can’t think of anything to say and apparently neither can BB, but they both shift closer, wrapping Lauren up in a probably quite claustrophobic group hug. BB’s hand is resting warm on Jez’s shoulder and Jez can feel the warm cotton of BB’s t-shirt, Lauren held between them.
“You guys are so lovely,” Lauren breathes after a while. She sounds a bit muffled, but then they might possibly be suffocating her so Jez decides not to judge her emotional state just yet.
“We are,” BB agrees brightly.
“The loveliest,” Jez adds.
Lauren actually laughs, which is a relief. Jez eventually disentangles himself from the other two, and gets to his feet.
“Come on babes, let’s get you looking lovely.”
BB smirks at him in a you really are very, very gay but I’m observing this in an affectionate way, not an I-want-to-stab-you-to-death-for-your-sex
“I look a mess,” she groans, and that Jez can definitely empathise with. It’s always important to look good in front of your ex.
“Not a problem,” he replies, pushing Lauren until she’s leant against the sinks and then quickly and carefully repairing her smeared make-up.
“Dude,” BB says after a moment. “You’re, like, good at this.”
Jez is mainly concentrating on not poking Lauren in the eye with a mascara brush, so he’s a little distracted when he says: “Well, practice makes perfect.”
He becomes aware the other two are staring at him slightly incredulously.
“You’ve never seen me in make-up?” he asks.
“No,” BB says a little too quickly.
“Hmm.” Jez ruffles Lauren’s hair and turns her back to face her reflection. “There.”
A genuine smile spreads across her face, which is nice. BB is still staring at Jez.
“You should see me in mascara,” Jez tells him lightly, batting his eyelashes. “I look very pretty.”
BB laughs, shaking his head.
“I bet you do,” Lauren says, linking her fingers through his.
The three of them get caught leaving by Anna, who looks at them, her expression a cross between amusement and concern, like she thinks maybe they’re doing something terribly inappropriate in the girls’ bathrooms. They burst out laughing, and can’t seem to stop for a while.
They’re playing a particularly childish game of truth or dare during yet another open mic night; Jez isn’t sure how it started but he’s reasonably certain it can only end in tears. Or a sprained ankle; whichever happens first. But there’s some reasonably abysmal singing happening on stage and Lauren is giggling naturally for the first time in a while, so he sits back and lets it happen.
Lauren leans over and whispers something in Danny’s ear, while Claudine glares daggers at her. They get matching grins and Jez vaguely remembers that they really were a very fluffy couple, if nothing else.
“You,” Danny laughs, drunk on his own power, pointing at Jez, “And… you.” He points at BB. Jez is palpably unsurprised. “You’ve got five minutes.”
“To do what?” Jez asks, desperately hoping this isn’t going to be some kind of sex thing because then he will actually have to murder Danny and that would be a shame because he’s both talented and pretty, which is such a rare combination these days.
“You’ve both got to return here fully made-up,” Danny responds. “And you can’t ask Lauren, Lola or Claudine for help.”
Jez changes his mind; Lauren doesn’t deserve to be happy. She deserves to be desperately miserable and alone forever.
“You get points for the shade of lipstick!” Danny calls after them.
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” BB asks.
“That we need to find a quick and discreet way to kill all our friends immediately, and then we need to find somewhere to hide the bodies?” Jez responds brightly.
BB shrugs. “This isn’t much worse than Claudine having to sing I’m A Little Teapot onstage,” he points out.
Claudine made a surprisingly sexy teapot, it has to be said, although Jez also thinks that if she was actually a teapot she’d be the kind where you’d be afraid of lifting the lid for fear of finding bunnies boiling inside. Ah, there’s something to do on the next radio show; which kitchen utensil is your friend most like?
“All right,” Jez murmurs, “I’m thinking exactly what you’re thinking.”
Once the shrieking has died down, the girls lined up in front of the bathroom mirrors are only too happy to provide Jez with what he needs; gay or not he knows his smile is pretty damn charming. BB turns out to be the problem.
“Will you stop blinking,” Jez hisses, “Or I am actually going to blind you!”
BB twitches. “It’s not normal,” he protests, trying to move away from the mascara wand although Jez has backed him up against the sinks and there’s nowhere to go. If he lets himself think about it Jez knows he’s going to freak out; he’s leaning against BB in an attempt to stop the other boy from moving about, one of BB’s knees is digging into his thigh, and there is something pretty wrong about smothering him make-up.
“Normal or not, if you don’t keep still you are going to end up looking like a cheap hooker with a particularly abusive pimp,” Jez snaps.
This actually does shut BB up, possibly with shock, so Jez is able to finish dusting eyeshadow over his flickering eyelids without any potential injuries. He draws the line at doing any kind of lipstick for the other boy, though, because that’s just going to result in some inappropriate and filthy thoughts he doesn’t need to be having while standing right next to BB. Instead, he selects a reasonably non-slutty shade from the colours offered to him by the girls – who are being freakily accommodating, possibly they’re enjoying this a bit too much – and hands it to BB.
“Remember you’re not a clown,” he advises before turning his attention to his own face. He wasn’t going to push it and try any sort of body glitter with BB, but he can’t resist dabbing sparkles along his own cheekbones, finishing off with a very very shiny lipgloss. Enough camera phones have been whipped out to tell Jez that pictures of this are going to be all over the Britannia High blog tomorrow, but at least he can say he and BB don’t look half bad.
“Wow,” Lauren says, sounding faintly stunned, “You really do look pretty in mascara.”
“I told you,” Jez replies, fluttering his eyelashes.
“You took six minutes,” Danny informs them, getting control over his sniggers. “You fail.”
“Someone got all excited over body glitter,” BB says, glaring. The look is somewhat at odds with his lilac eyeshadow though, and Jez wonders faintly if this is what going insane feels like.
“You guys look totally awesome,” Lola says, and then turns her attention to her phone as it chimes. She giggles. “Oh My God, you two are the cutest couple ever.”
“Not a couple,” Jez says helplessly, but she ignores him, holding up her phone to reveal a slightly blurry image of Jez leaning over BB applying mascara. No, Jez decides, this is what going insane feels like.
“It’s, like, completely adorable!” Lola coos, and Jez wonders how many people are going to get pictures sent to each other over the course of this evening. He risks a glance at BB, who mercifully looks amused.
“Really not dating,” Jez says, but he might as well be talking Russian for all that Lola notices.
Lola hasn’t really been her happy, bubbly self recently, which is sort of understandable but utterly disturbing nonetheless. She’s started complaining about Edna again, about how she really is cursed, and while Jez still remains convinced that the whole ghost thing is something made up to torment the gullible, it’s true that Lola hasn’t exactly been lucky in love recently. Some days, she seems completely fine, while others she’s withdrawn and miserable.
“Do you think she’s ok?” Jez asks quietly; he and BB are watching Lola twirl alone in the dance studio, fluid and talented but without any sign of enjoyment.
“One way to find out,” BB points out.
“You have a problem,” Jez hisses. “And don’t you remember how much trouble reading Lola’s diary got us into last time?”
“What if she’s contemplating suicide?” BB suggests.
“She is not contemplating suicide,” Jez replies.
BB looks thoughtful. “When was the last time you saw her smile?”
Jez groans, letting BB tug him by the wrist towards the bathroom next door. “The things I let you talk me into…” he complains.
BB laughs, going over to rifle through Lola’s bag, and Jez decides that perhaps he should just stop finding this weird because apparently his current destiny seems to be to hide out in women’s loos with BB. He may as well accept it. He sighs, walking over to join the other boy.
“Well?” he asks. “Is she having an imaginary affair with any more teachers?”
“No,” BB replies. “Someone else is going to have to provide the scandal.”
Jez can’t quite read his smile, so chooses it ignore it.
“Suicidal?” he adds.
“No.” BB closes the diary and slips it back into Lola’s bag. “She’s all right.”
“Good.” Jez jerks his head towards the door. “Then can we go? Or shall we just move in here and be done with it?”
“Chill out,” BB orders him, and then, of course, because the Potentially Non-Existent Toilet Gods hate Jez, they hear footsteps and voices outside. Jez has enough time to think oh hell, not again before he and BB are running into a cubicle and locking the door. A whole load of girls all come trooping in, chattering loudly, and Jez tries not to make a high-pitched sound of misery because they are never going to get out of here.
“This is all your fault,” he mutters, perching on the edge of the toilet lid and listening to the giggling coming from outside. BB sits down beside him, and once again Jez feels awkward and claustrophobic. This isn’t fair. He really isn’t that bad a person. He hasn’t tried to molest BB in inappropriate ways and quite frankly, he’s had ample opportunity to do so; he doesn’t deserve this.
“Shhh,” BB hisses, right in his ear, and Jez whacks his head on the stall wall when he pulls away. BB raises an enquiring eyebrow and Jez ignores him, trying to work out how many girls there are in here by sound alone; it sounds like a lot and this means they could be in here for hours.
“I hate you,” he mutters.
“No you don’t,” BB replies, whispering into Jez’s ear, and Jez bites the inside of his mouth because he does not need this. It is really really not fair.
“I do,” he murmurs back. “I have spent most of this month in inappropriate places with you, and if you want to perve over girls in their own special territory then it’s fine but you don’t have to take me with you, and sooner or later we’re going to get caught and kicked out for being like, voyeuristic perverts or something, and seriously, there must be better things we could be doing with our time.”
It’s just as well that girls are so noisy and chatty because otherwise he and BB would already have been found; Jez tries to calm himself down because otherwise he’s going to wind up actually yelling and that will get them discovered.
“Lola seems to think we’re dating,” BB informs him very softly, breath tickling Jez’s ear, and that’s the point at which Jez decides that enough is enough. He gets up, nearly unbalancing BB, and reaches for the lock. BB grabs his shoulders, turning him around with difficulty in the cramped space, and there isn’t really anywhere they’re not touching and Jez can’t decide if he wants to punch BB or burst into hysterical tears on his shoulder because argh.
“What are you doing?” BB demands.
“Taking my chances,” Jez replies. “I can’t keep doing this, it is stupid and embarrassing and awkward-”
“Shush!” BB murmurs, and Jez is aware his voice is rising and makes an effort to lower it.
“You can keep hiding here until they go but at least they know I’m gay so I can probably get out of here because I just won’t-”
BB apparently decides the best way to shut Jez up is to kiss him. Admittedly, the shock makes all words ever disappear out of his head; he’s pinned against the door, the lock digging into his lower back, and BB has one hand in his hair and one hand clamped around his wrist to stop him from opening the door.
Maybe Lola’s diary is magical after all.
After an indeterminate period of time – Jez loses track of everything the minute BB tugs his lower lip with his teeth and proceeds to try and memorise the inside of Jez’s mouth with his tongue – BB pulls away.
“Shut up,” BB murmurs, capturing his mouth again, hands sliding down to cradle Jez’s hips and if they get caught now it’s going to look really really incriminating. Still, they’re stuck in here for the foreseeable future so Jez tells himself he doesn’t have a choice, wrapping his arms around BB’s neck and praying that their combined weight doesn’t do something stupid like make the slightly rickety walls collapse or anything.
“Next time,” he whispers breathlessly in BB’s ear, “Next time we are not doing this in a girls’ toilet.”
BB laughs, his thigh pushing between Jez’s, but he doesn’t make any promises.